I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize
