I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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