I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
