I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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