I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
