Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
