i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
