I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
