I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
