I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
