Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
