so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
