I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
