I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
