i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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