booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
