Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
