The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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