youre lurking in front of me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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