I just threw up on my dentist
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I want a musical about memes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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