nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
