I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
