I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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