All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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