I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
