i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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