ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
