its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
