By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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