God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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