how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am naked and annoyed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
