Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
