She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
