You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
