there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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