I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
