Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
