and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
