you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
