Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
