The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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