My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
