Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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