Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
