It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
