i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
In America we eat man semen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
