Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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