one word: firstdatebathroomanal
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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