I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
