i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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