The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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