This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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