he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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