I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
