I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
