you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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