$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
