My room smells like vodka and shame
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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