When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
