i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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