I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
