my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
